Admire or Follow

Last night I was convicted.

My mother recently read a book called Maximum Faith by George Barna and the whole time she was reading it she just went on and on about what a great book it was. She talked about it so much that I asked if I could borrow it to read after she had finished.

A couple weeks ago she handed it to me, excited for me to read it yet hesitant, knowing that with books my good intentions hardly ever come to fruition. Still, she gave it to me and despite her plea to get it back to her soon, it has sat at my bedside untouched until last night.

I breezed through the first chapter, stopping once to pray about something I had read and to muse over what he had written about Change vs Transformation. "Change is typically refinement that is short-term, impermanent, incremental, superficial, and of limited ultimate consequences. Transformation on the other hand in generally long term, permanent, systemic, deep, and monumental in its impact and consequences. Change merely alters a known reality; transformation radically redefines that reality."

Interest peeked, I moved on to Chapter 2 expecting the same easy yet interesting read, and that's pretty much what I got until a line from the book stopped me dead. It read, "We are not so much Christ followers as we are Christ admirers..." As soon as I read those words my hand raised it's hand in an invisible "Here" or "That's me" gesture.

I looked at my life, especially, since I've gotten out of high school, and that sentence has been exactly me. Suddenly, the definitions of change and transformation came back to me and connected with the sentence from the book. I realized that in my life Christ has been a movie star with a Mother Teresa reputation. I have been taught to look up to Him and to try to act like Him but that is all. I read His word or stories of His life and for a second I think, "I wish I could be like that" or "I wish I could do that" but then the thought is gone, choked by the worldly weeds of the day. Perhaps if a topic or trait hits me particularly hard I will make changes in my life to be more like Him but they are merely "short-term, impermanent, of limited ultimate consequence." Yes, I try to make changes in my life so that it will look more like His but am I willing to let Him transform my life? Am I willing to let Him have so much control over my life that my reality will become "radically redefined" and even unrecognizable?

I saw then that I look up to Christ for all His good deeds and wisdom but my life, my thoughts, words suggest that I am an Admirer of Christ more than a Follower of Christ. Looking up the definition of Admire purely for curiosity sake it said it meant "to marvel at" or "to like very much" or "to hold in esteem." Check, check, and check. I often marvel at God and I like Him very much and of course I esteem Him but do I follow Him?

So I looked up the definition of the verb to follow and checked myself against it.
1) To go, proceed, or come after. Do I actively run after God eager to join Him in where He is leading me or do I make small changes in my life to merely placate Him and myself that I am attempting to pursue Him? Fail
2) To engage in as a calling or way of life. I call myself a Christian and for the most part I imitate the Christian Life but am really truly living it in my inmost being and emulating it every minute of every day? Fail
3) To accept as authority. Yeah, I listen to God, when it suits me or if I agree with what He is saying or if it's not going to keep me from doing what I want to do. I obey Him in the big things. Epic Fail
4) To pursue in an effort to overtake. Now wait a minute, I barely pursue God now knowing full well that He is perfect and also knowing full well that I can never be perfect. Why fight a losing battle? We are all going to end up in the same place right. Fail
5) To watch steadily or to keep the mind on. Are my eyes on God and what H is doing in this world? Or am I in my own little world waiting for God to watch me and bless what I am doing? Is my mind on Him every minute of everyday, half the day? Fail
6) To keep abreast of. Am I walking side by side with God and Christ? Am I going with Him on the path that He has for me or am I trying to lead? Always trying to be one step ahead of Him and His timing? Fail

I'm ashamed to admit it but I am comfortable in my life. I have worked hard to control my surroundings and I enjoy the familiar. Yet God is calling me to more, to be more and I pray for the strength and the faith to follow and be transformed.