Endangered World

Hello all!

So for those of you who don't know, I am a bit of a story writer. I never finish them but boy do I enjoy writing them... until I get bored that is and hence the reason why I have never finished one. I just can't seem to get passed writing those boring scenes that turn out to be Oh so important to finishing a book. Most of my stories are in the fantasy realm, some having to do with vampires, others with the elements, elves, princesses and queens.

I usually quit after writing between 5 - 10 pages. There is one exception though. One of my best friends and I started a story called "Endangered World". We started it when I moved here to Sacramento as a fun way of keeping in touch with each other. Well six years later we are now 145 pages into the story. It has taken so long because one of us would write then we would lose contact with each other and then one of us would text or call out of the blue and then we would start it up again and so on.

Well after a year or so of lying dormant and untouched, it has now been brought back to life. I am so excited to be writing again and to be writing with such a great friend. So how it works is I write for as long as I can (which is usually about 2 pages) until I can't write anymore either due to boredom or lack of inspiration. Then I copy what I've written onto an e-mail and send it to my friend, who in turn write until she can't write anymore and them emails it back. What's awesome is that our writing style are very different from each other. Where she prefers writing conversations and interactions between two or more characters I prefer to write descriptions and the inner monologues/feelings of a single character.

I must say, that for having been started and written more than halfway through without a plot or clear ending figured out between the two of us, that it is actually quite an interesting story and is coming together nicely. What is even more fascinating is to look at my writing from six years ago and then compare it to my writing now... things that I could only guess at while writing about certain topics and situations I can now write with ease thanks to experiences that I have since had.

I figured that since I have talked about it for so long I may as well share a snippet of the story. So without further ado I present for your reading pleasure "Endangered World":



Melissa writing:

The world had long forgotten about elves, dwarfs, and the magical creatures that had once ruled it. Now they only live in the story books of children. Their deeds confined to ink on pages and their beauty subject to the artists' insufficient hand. Or at least, that's what we thought...

It was one of those days in Tehachapi. The first morning after a violent storm where everything seems crisp and fresh. The kind of day where your eyes seem to see better, see sharper color, and see more than you ever thought capable of human eyes. Everything was still, almost as time could not find this place, like in this valley surrounded by mountains was a place untouched by the world.
"Look out little squirrel!" Melissa shouted in concern as the squirrel ran out of the way of her car. The 4-runner sped on down the steep hill going way past the speed limit that was posted on the side of the road. Cheryl laughed at her friend's silliness as she gently fed the CD, she had burnt and presented to Melissa as a present, into the CD player.
"We can't end our trip without singing our song now can we?" She said smiling.

Melissa's smile was replaced with mock arrogance as she replied, "Of course not. It's tradition." She skipped through the other songs on the disk till it came to number 5. The music started, a simple tune played on the piano, soft and gentle with a hidden sadness. Melissa turned it up and Cheryl smiled in approval. Neither thought themselves to be good vocalists and the louder the music, the louder they could sing with confidence they could not be heard too well.

They both inhaled at the same time as the music signaled the lyrics were coming. "I can't stand to fly. I'm not that naive. I'm just out to find.... the better part of me. I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane, I'm more than some pretty face beside the train and it's not easy to be-he ME!" They emphasized the last word with added drama and both laughed at how they had both had the same idea. On they sang, two best friends, unaware a great adventure lay before them.



Cheryl writing: (the friend lol)

After they stopped laughing, Cheryl, with a smile still on her face, asked "So what are we supposed to be doing today? Besides enjoying the fact we're out of school and all that."

Melissa thought for a moment (Cheryl commented she thought there was smoke coming from her friend's ears) and said "Well......I actually do have some chores and stuff. But, you know, it doesn't have to be done right now. Just by today."

Cheryl nodded. "Ditto." Grinning evilly at each other, they had to stop at the red light. Someone in the next car saw them, and suddenly feared for his life. When the light turned green ("My turn!"), the man eased slowly away from them so they could continue scheming. Turning onto the freeway, he was seriously frightened now, because they were on the freeway as well. Poor soul-he didn't realize that they were only going to Barnes and Noble, completely opposite his own destination.

"So any books you've read lately that you liked?" Melissa asked her bookworm friend. Cheryl frowned, as if trying to go through a file cabinet of the books she's read and enjoyed. Melissa now commented that Cheryl looked like she was going to give herself a hernia.

Sticking her tongue out, Cheryl said "Nope, not lately. More reason to browse though, right?"

Melissa nodded. "And Starbucks."

Nodding her head vehemently, Cheryl also said "And mall? Is the mall good?" Melissa seemed to be considering the suggestion. Cheryl added "We like the mall, remember? Girl's day out and all that. And if your chores are anything like mine, that's where we get 'em done. Shopping, right? There's a grocery store next to the mall too, if we need it." Melissa merely turned up the music again, leaving Cheryl glaring at her before turning to the window. "I knew I shouldn't have come," she muttered just loud enough for Melissa to hear.

Melissa grinned. "I heard that. You didn't have to. I gave you the option of staying home. My car, my rules." Before Cheryl could answer, Melissa swerved slightly to avoid an onrushing car that had cut into the lane. "Stupid person! There's rules, you know!" Melissa yelled indignantly.

Cheryl raised an eyebrow. "Says the person going...73 in a 65 mph zone?"

Melissa harrumphed. "Be quiet. Or no Barnes and Noble."

"Yes ma'am."

Little did they know that Barnes and Noble was going to be as far as they got. No-one knew that the characters that lived in books were still there. Alive, breathing, living. They just existed in on a different plane from the rest of us though. But what would happen if there was a bridge, a single bridge, wide enough for two people to cross between the planes? Oh, what tangled webs we weave.....

Charles Dickens

Hello All! What a day it has been. So I'm sure you all have been to or at least know what a Renaissance Fair is, but how many of you have heard of the Charles Dickens Fair? Instead of focusing on the renaissance era during the reign of such as Queen Elizabeth (1558-1603) and the time of William Shakespeare this one focus' on the era during the reign of queens such as Victoria (1837-1901) and men such as Charles Dickens whom the Fair is named for.

An old and dear friend texted me out of the blue on Friday saying her and her family had been invited to the Charles Dickens Fair in Daly City (by San Francisco) and they had a pair of extra tickets. Two thoughts ran through my mind at the invitation. "OMGoodness I'd love to go!" and "Oh crud that's two hours away." Those of you who know me know that I have a slight phobia of driving distances of more than an hour... two at the very most and only when I'm well rested. This trip would involve me driving two hours there (no problem) but then have a full day and then driving back another two hours, and there the worry starts to creep in.

So my solution, invite someone to drive with me and one of could take the way there and the other the way back, that I could do. So right away I texted 5 of my friends who lived nearby and might like to go. I got a two "No" answers fairly quickly and through a few more texts the rest were eliminated. Then I had a stroke of brilliance. My sister Amber, she went to my mom's for Thanksgiving and she might just still be there. I sent the text hoping that I wouldn't get an answer back, meaning that she was still at mom's where there is no reception.

I got an answer right away that she was at home and two hours away... but she would love to go. I was excited because despite being really weird and sometimes a little embarrassing my sister is actually really fun to hang out with. But that still left me with my original problem of getting there and back. We texted back and forth solutions including her coming to Sacramento on the train and her or me driving all the way to the others house late that night. After a couple fake starts and a starbucks we decided to meet half way (In Stockton) and then we would leave her car there go to the Fair then go back to her house, spend the night then drop me off in Stockton the next morning and I would drive back to Sacramento.

It started out like we had planned... except I woke up 45 min late. Yeah, its so like me. My sister took it well though and I only ended up being a half hour late, giving her and a couple of friends that she brought enough time to stop and have breakfast at a local diner in Stockton.

We finally arrived at the Fair around noon. My sister's friends dropped us off at The Cow Palace (I know right lol) and then they went on to enjoy their day in San Francisco while we were at the fair. Once there we met my friend Cheryl, got our tickets and went inside.

The whole fair was indoors and the Cow Palace seemed like hardly that as we drove up and walked around the building. So I had little hopes for the Fair and its ability to hold my interest as we went in. The first section that we went into was a pretty decent size room with a stage where some people were performing... something (me and my great memory right). From what we could see the inside was completely set up like to be the streets of Victorian London. Stalls were set up on the sides with fake windows and doorways to simulate as much as possible old time shops. The first couple shops we went into were an old time bookshop filled with the oldest looking books I've ever seen. I know a couple friends who would have loved that shop. I wasnt much into the books but the shop didn't only have books like I thought... it had teacups.

I have a few weaknesses...anything shiny, expensive, pretty... (normal girl stuff) but one of my biggest weaknesses are teacups. I collect them. So while everyone else was looking at the books I was looking at the pretty cups, and I found one that was very pretty... almost Scottish looking in its design but still very feminine and delicate looking. I would've gotten it but I didn't want to pay the money they were asking for it. After that we went and looked at a stall that was selling crowns and headgear. We tried them on until our hearts content. There was one that looked like a giant sun, it was pretty cool.

Much to our surprise there was not just one room full of stalls but 5 rooms of equal size filled with stores and stalls of wondrous things all horrifically overpriced. A corset ranged from $660 for a plain one to just over $1100 for a more decorative one. There were a couple hat stalls that were amazingly fun. We tried on as many hats as we could and some were so cute! We also tried on masks, scarves, fur collars, head and hair jewelry and gloves. It was all tons of fun and we had a great time laughing at eachother.

My favorite stall however was one of the first ones that we went into. It was a coat stall. OMGoodness it was incredible! It had all the old styles of coats for men and women and they were all so beautiful! I only found one picture that even comes close to doing any of them justice. Unfortunately like everything there the coats were all very expensive ranging from $275 to over $1000.



The one pictured is one of the over $1,000 ones and it looks amazing on. A couple more promotions at work and I'll be placing an order. Most of the people at the Fair were dressed up in the outfits of the Victorian era. I cant really say enough about how fun it was or all the great outfits that we saw there.

We spent four hours there until we looked at all the stalls and had lunch. We met with Amber's friends and left San Fran. I guess they decided to pick up my car from Stockton and drive with me to my sister's house so they didn't have to make the trip the next day. At first I was a little dissapointed because that just meant that I had to drive two hours the next day instead of just one but as it turns out it was a really good thing we went to get my car. Turns out that I had left my keys in my car... and not only did I lock then in my car but I left them in the ignition and the car was running. Seven hours my car had been just sitting there running.

Luckily my sister has AAA and we got a guy to come out and unlock it for us. He said I was very lucky because no one stole my car. He guessed it was because the cops had been setting up alot of bate cars around the area where we had left it. Plus, my car still had enough gas to make it to my sisters house. God is good!

Who's up for coming with me to the fair next?!

My Japan-Man

As you all know I am somewhat obsessed with Japan. I am still planning to go next March but until then I am just gonna have to make due with Japansese tv shows, food, and a special visist from my only friend in Japan. I am so excited! How we met can only be by God cus it was just a total case of "random happenstance".

So I was coming home from work one day last February and I had a present for one of my friends in my car. I decided last minute that I just couldn't wait to give it to him so I called and asked him to meet me at the church so I could give it to him. (He wouldn't let me near his house for some unknown reason) Anyway, I pull up into the church parking lot and see my Pastor (who lives on the church property) out by his trailer a good ways away from where I had parked. I waved to him when I got out and then stood patiently waiting for my friend to come. To my suprise the pastor comes walking over and asks what in the world I'm doing there. So I tell him and he smiles and says "Oh, well we just got back from picking up our old foreign exchange student from the airport." Apparently, the family had once had a foreign exchange student from Japan stay with them for a year and he had just arrived for a couple weeks to visit.

As soon a s he said "Japan" and "He" in the same sentance I got really excited, but I figured I would have to wait until Sunday to meet him. Not! I'm not sure why but Pastor continued on saying that they were just cooking dinner and did I want to join them and meet this boy (Yuma). The offer came out of nowhere and though I was nervous about having dinner with the Pastor and his family I accepted and went in. He introduced me to Yuma and we ate dinner. I barely said two words to him but he seemed like he was a really nice guy, quiet and reserved. Then after dinner I was invited to a concert with the Pastor, Yuma, and the guy who I was supposed to give the present too. We went and when we got there I had a chance to run some of my very limited Japanese by Yuma. It was alot of fun but a very late night.

The concert ended and I actually had the nerve to ask if I could take Yuma out the next day to get to know him better and show him around Sacramento. Pastor Mike asked Yuma and he said he would love to go but that he wanted the Pastor to go with us (Don't blame him, a scary new girl asking if she could steal him for a day lol) but it ended up that Pastor Mike couldn't go. I told Yuma we wouldn't be alone as my roomate/bestfriend would be coming too. He agreed.


So the next day we pick up Yuma early in the evening. Pastor Mike asked us how long we would be out because Yuma was a little tired from the jetlag and going to San Francisco that day. We told him we wouldn't be long and then took off for Scandia. Scandia is a miniture golf/arcade/batting cages/go-cart fun center. It was so much fun, we did everything that Scandia had to offer and I think he beat me at mini golf too. We also got him to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in Japanese which was really neat. I thought we got him home at a decent hour but all the missed calls on my cell from Pastor Mike and the relieved look on his face when we got back to his house said otherwise psh old people lol. Apparently, there had been a horrific car accident somewhere near us and Pastor Mike had called the police asking if my Toyota or 2 girls and a Japanese guy had been involved. I really did feel bad once I heard that.

Anyway, we exchanged e-mails and have kept in contact since then. We even mailed eachother presents. I sent him a wooden box that I had painted and some candy, he mailed me a cd he'd made of his favorite songs and a red pillow lol. Well I talked about him so much and got so excited when he e-mailed me that all my friends started teasing me and calling him my Japan-Man.

He's coming to visit soon and I just can't wait! But it's only gonna be for three days so I don't know how much time I'll actually get to spend with him.

Artists

So... where to begin?

Every once in awhile I get a bug. Not a bad bug but a bug none the less and once I get one I love and I mean LOVE spreading it around to all my friends and just whoever I happen to come into contact with, including random strangers. So what is this bug that I have caught? It is the ARTSY BUG!

I first caught it in my late teen years when I figured out that I could draw any anime character as long as I had a picture to sight-copy it from. I have a couple sketchbooks to prove I could actually do it.


Then that faded and a couple years later came back but as drawing the characters and then taking it one step further and painting them. I have a couple canvas' to prove that lol


The next bought came when I was in the Hospital and one of the therapists did an art therapy class where she brought in mandalas and colored pencils also there was a puzzle that someone's family member had brought in and rather than listen to the insane rantings and get caught up in all the wards drama I would sit and quietly put together the puzzle with whoever wanted to join me.

This latest outbreak has been just recently in the last week or so. Nicole talked me into going to a restaurant called Fresh Coice and after we had dinner I wasn't feeling to good. I started feeling anxious and like I wanted to just cry. So we went on a walk through Joanne's Fabric store. I had no idea that they were a craft store and sold more than just fabric. Anyway, we were looking through the painting section to try to fin some little boxes to paint when we came upon the puzzle section. The puzzle all fairies and butterflies but it looked awesome so I picked it up. Then we came across a section that had all the painting supplies.


Isn't it pretty? But before you say or think that I did it all on my own I have to let you know that the picture is a paint by number set. lol Yes I know it seemed very kid-like to me to when I fist picked it up but now I love it. It lets me be artsy without having to be really creative, kinda an oxymoron I know. What's even better is that I got one of my really great friends to buy one to do when we are together.

I went over to her house to spend the night and after dinner I brought out my butterfly and paint and cup of water and brush and started in on the painting. As soon as she watched me mix two of the paints together she announced, "OK I have to get me one of those." There were no art stores open as it was eight o'clock on a Sunday so we got in the car and headed to Walmart. On the car ride over she talked about the many arts and craft projects that she used to do, everything from pillow making to drawing. She talked about how much she missed doing them and how she was so excited to be getting back into it, even just a little.

Then she said something that I have found to be true in my own life. She told me how important it was to keep being myself even when in a relationship and eventually in marriage. She (Caterina) was telling me how she used to love and be very much into arts and crafts but her husband is not so she slowly stopped buying them and working on her many projects. I found that very sad but unfortunately very common. I started thinking back on my last relationship and saw myself doing the same thing. Although my boyfriend had encouraged me to be artsy and creative there were other areas where I didn't recieve the same encouragement and understanding. At first I stood up for my individuality and pressed on despite his oposition, but eventually it just became too hard and I slowly started conforming and limiting myself to the "together" or "mutual" activities.

At first it wasn't even that bad and I enjoyed most of the time I spent with him but as time went on I began to feel more and more stiffled. The closeness became entrapment and I honestly began to miss myself. Even now I'm not quite sure how to be in a relationship and maintain yourself wholey or even if you are supposed to, but learning is half the fun right.

A Couple Months in Review

No, I'm not dead lol First I want to appologize to all of my avid readers out there who have no doubt been and I quote "waiting with baited breath" for my next post. So much has been going on I hardly know where to start.

Lets see... My last post was in July so we'll just go from there. Well first it was the 4th of July and I went to Placerville to visit my mom and step-dad. We got together with my step-sisters and their families to enjoy the fireworks. May I just say that all my little nephews are super-duper cute! There is one missing from the below picture but unfortunately I don't have a pic with him in it. Wah!


So that was pretty much it for July, pretty sad eh?

August! The greatest month of the year! The month where genius' are born and dreams are made!

Yes, it was my birthday in August and yikes I turned 25! Wow a quarter of a century old, can you believe it? For my birthday I had 3 parties. It was awesome! My roomate called it my birthday week cus it revolved all around me, and rightly so lol j/k I also got to go see the play Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor DreamCoat. It was amazing and I tried my very hardest not to sing along with the cast and not to compare the guy who played Joseph to Donny Osmond and his version.

I also got two shopping sprees for my birthday and boy did I need it! Everyone practically demanded that I get a new wardrobe and thanks to them its coming along nicely.

A couple weekends ago was a long and was one of the most emotional I've had in a long time. One of my best friends, a friend from my childhood got married this weekend in my hometown of Tehachapi. Nicole and I were one of the four friends that were invited to the wedding. It was a small wedding but it was beautiful. The ceremony itself was very short, lasting no more than 10 min. Sarah, the bride was gorgeous in her wedding dress and the groom was cute if not unorthodox in his flip flops.



Today I went fishing! Wait let me start from the beginning, Thursday night I drove up to my mom's house to spend the weekend. I had Friday off because of a lovely thing called furloughs. They are awesome trust me. Though money is nice I would rather have three three-day weekends a month. So, anyway, I spent the night at my mom's house on thursday night. Roy (my step dad) had told me that they were going fishing on Friday morning and if I wanted to come I needed to stop by Walmart and get a one day fishing license. I did and I also bought SuperSmash Bros for Wii. After clobbering Roy in a couple games we went to bed, at a decent hour of 9:00pm.

I actually had a dream about fishing that night which was really weird but also really fun because I caught two huge fish in my dream. Hopefully it was a sign for the next morning. I also had a dream where I was in a musical... don't ask. Anyway, I was told that I would have to get up at 4:00 am but there is a difference between hearing it the night before when you are all hyper and awake and actually getting up that early in the morning.

Actually, perhaps because of the anticipation and the left over adrenaline from belting out a saucy song atop a barroom table in my last dream... I told you not to ask, but getting up wasnt as hard as I had thought it would be. I got up, layered myself with two pairs of pants and 3 shirts and piled into Roy's truck. It was still dark when we left and dark when we arrived at the lake an hour later. The eastern skyline had only the slightest hint of the comming dawn. Not wanting to fish in the dark we waited a half an hour in the truck until the sky was a couple shades lighter a blue then the inky black blue it had been when we arrived.

Then it was time to fish! We got out of the truck... well Roy did, when he opened the door and we felt the icy wind mom and I stayed behind for a couple minutes to put on a couple more layers of clothes; but we eventually waddled out of the truck and grabbed our fishing poles. Now I don't know if it was because of the altitude, the 5 layers of shirts and jackets I had on or just my complete lack of physical excellence but we had to walk up this small hill in order to get to the lake and I was dying! Not as bad as my mom who had to pace herself on the way up hehe but I was gasping for air by the time I got to the top and seriously thinking that I needed to stop and fill my lungs a couple dozen times. Roy just kept on, not phazed at all telling us it was the elevation as I wondered why he seemed to be ammune to the altitude change.


We got to a spot that seemed like it would be a good place to cast in our lines, baited our hooks with orange powerbait, and threw our lines into the water... some farther and straighter than others lol A few seconds after my line hit the water the rod started jumping. After a brief fishing lesson from Roy I reeled in a very small, very cute trout. I thought we were going to throw it back but Roy removed the hook (I wouldn't do it eww) and fastened the trout to the stringer. Yay I had caught the first fish of the day! I was secretly so proud of myself.


Well, the rest of the day consisted of Roy catching 6 (but mom reeled in three of them so she thinks those three count as hers lol)and I only caught one more. 8 was really good, especially when we looked at how many all the other people were catching... none of which had gotten there as early as we had mind you. Just to clarify, the reason Roy caught so many was because mom and I took a little nap in our chairs towards the end of our trip.

By the time we piled back in the truck at 1:30 pm we were all had sunburnt faces and we all had shed several layers of clothing. All in all it was a really good day... although we would have come home with 9 fish but Roy *cough* tried putting a fish on the stringer while it was in the water and the fish slipped through his hands and back into the lake... it was my fish too! So technically I caught 3 lol

Never Alone

Do you ever notice how people who feel the most alone or that when you feel the most alone that instead of seeking human companionship and grabbing gleefully at the oppertunity when people are present that you instead slink further out of their reach? I came here to my mother's house to find companionship and to escape loniliness. My sister and her husband have come over and instead of going down to join them I find myself upstairs typing this blog. "Melissa," you say, "go down and join them, be with them. If you are lonely it is your fault for secluding yourself from them." I would have to agree with you. The loneliness I feel is most likely prolonged by my own doing, but have you ever found that sitting amidst people who are laughing and talking when you feel like neither of those makes you feel even more alone than when you are by yourself? When the happiness of others so sharply contrasts your feelings that they make your sadness even more evident. That is how I feel tonight.

I have always struggled with loneliness, well ever since I can remember, except for one time in my life, when I felt that I finally always had someone to call or talk to and who I could see whenever I wanted and he would be happy to see me. I let my fiance filled that gap for me and I never realized how much I had come to rely on his presence until now, when it is gone.

When I was in my seat at the movie theater with none of my friends next to me I realized the pain had returned sharp and new and I cried out in my mind and in my heart, "I miss Rossam! If he were here I would not be alone!" Tears came to my eyes and my breath caught in my throat. I missed his arms around me and the feel of him by my side.

It was only after I left my seat to cry in the bathroom did I finally cry out to God and did my strength return to me. Tonight God showed me that it was Him that I should've cried out to first! It was tonight He told me that He wants to be the one that my heart thinks of when I'm feeling this way and He wants to fill the gap that has been left in my life. During my engagement I had become too dependant on my fiance, I had come to accept him as my cure for the loneliness that I felt. I had grabbed onto something of this earth and believed it would save me. But God being the gracious and loving Father that He is saw that I had latched onto this man in my desperation for fullness. So God gently pried my fingers away, all the while whispering in my ear, "Let go my child, it is only I who can satisfy you, who can heal you, who will save you. Hold on to me, my child. I will never leave you nor forsake you."

I sat here trying to motivate myself and to "consider it pure joy" that another trial lay before me. I sat here thinking of this trial that I must face and longing for the day when I have come through it, wondering what God has planned for me that He so wants me to learn this lesson. God, He is so good, and he knows my heart. He showed me Japan and the mission field that I want to go in and He whispered to me, "Do you think you will not be alone if you stand for me? Do you not know that the mission field is a lonely place?" Praise God that He loves us, that He knows everything we will face in our futures, and that He loves us enough to prepare us for the work He has planned for us.

I honestly do not know what the future holds for me, whether or not Japan is what God has willed for me. But I do know that when I go, wherever I go I will have learned to cling to God. I will have learned to cry out to Him first and to walk with Him as my companion.

Footprints

One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

...Mary Stevenson

I also wanted to thank my friend Nicole who when I was sitting alone in the movie theater recognized something was wrong and gave me her seat next to another friend of mine and she sat alone. Also to all my other friends and church family that are doing their best to help me through this tough time I just want to say thank you with all my heart. I love you guys and you are truly a blessing from God!

Eclipse

Twilight fever has once again descended into our city. Am I opposed to it, umm no not really. The books that I have read of the Twilight series were very good. Good story, good plot, and good characters. The movies on the other hand are a little bit different. There are highlights to the movies like Alice, Jasper and the man who plays Mr. Cullen, who are fantastic and I think well worth the ticket price.

I dropped my friends and Twilight fanatics off at the movie theater. The time 7:30pm 4 1/2 hours before the movie started. Now, I'm a fan of Twilight and I'm all for getting good seats but there is no way I was about to spend the equivalent of half a work day in line for said seats.

Waiting for the first movie was awesome, we arrived at 11pm and still got good seats. The wait time for the 2nd movie was pushing it when we arrived at 9pm got just as good of seats for the first movie but waited twice as long. So this year when my friends said be in line by 7pm my first thought was "This is crazy!"

Anyway, I dropped my psychotic friends off at 7:30pm so they could wait in line and then went home to wait it out in comfort. I tried to take a nap so I could be awake for this one but alas it just wasn't going to happen. I actually ended up leaving at 8:45pm so not much was gained by my rebellion.

When I got to the movie theater I stopped by the Taco Bell that was next door, got a crunchwrap supreme and a soda then parked. A couple spaces away from me I noticed a PT Cruiser with a sticker in the window that read "I drive like a Cullen" and they parked like one too. Oh and just a side note, never eat a crunchwrap supreme from the bottom up! It doesn't work and you get melted cheese, meat and sourcream all over your shirt. That being said when I finally left the car to join the others I looked like a Taco Bell bum.

Girls, girls, girls and the occasional but rare male or reluctant boyfriend. That is what filled both lines around the movie theater. It was craziness but I eventually found my friends near the front of the line playing a game of Bullcrud.

After waiting an hour or so in line the one of the ticket takers came and asked what show time we were waiting for. We had 12:05am but they were letting 12:06am into the theater. So we waited anxiously for them to come back and call our time and we waited and waited and still nothing. Finally we sent Nicole to check on our tickets only to be informed that our time had already gone into the theater and apparently we, and when I say we I mean they, had camped out in the wrong line. Hours of waiting for nothing lol

We get into the theater and of course there are no good seats left. The only ones available are in the very front or the sides. The sides win but there are so many of us (6) that we ended up splitting into groups to get better seats.

The movie starts and may I just say that it was AWESOME! The best out of the three by far, tons of humor, action, and character development. I am so glad that the angst and Edward + Bella took a backseat. Disclaimer *I am definitely more of a Bella + Edward fan than a Bella + Jacob fan. Though Jacob did have alot of the best lines in the movie.

Jacob to Charlie: I kissed Bella...and she broke her hand...punching my face...it's just a misunderstanding.



I will post more about the movie when I see it again and hopefully am awake enough to remember most of it.

Trials

As I sit here on a comfy couch eating Korean food, tea brewing, and Ponyo playing in the background life seems peaceful and easy. Yet all I have to do is let my mind wonder in almost any direction and the cares of life, with all its worries and heartaches, come rushing in. Trials I thought I would never have to face I find myself in the midst of, but through these trials God has shown himself mightly.

As many of you now know, I am no longer engaged. The events and details of the break up is not going to be put on this blog but if you are interested you may ask me in person. It is a sad thing for me and something that I will be grieving for fiercely. But with that grief has come a peace that I cannot fully understand and I have come, at last, to rest in my Father's arms.

I hope in this post to encourage you that there are reasons for the trials that God sends your way. Remember that no trial can reach you before it first has gone through Jesus. "There is no circumstance, no trouble, no testing, that can ever touch me until, first of all it has gone past Christ and if it has come that far, it has come with a great purpose."

Reasons For Trials

1. To test/reveal the strength of our Faith. 2 Chronicles 32:31 says "God left him to test him that he might know all that was in his heart." The first thing that sturck me about this verse was that God does not need to test us to know what is in our hearts. He already knows and knows better than we do. So God tested him and tests us not so He, God, can know all that is in our hearts but so that we might come to know what is in our own hearts. How many movies have you seen or Bible stories have you read where the main character started out wimpy or normal (Gideon, Moses) or thinking that they could never do the task that was set before them (Frodo) only to come to find their true strength in the trials and tribulations that they faced. Like in Alice in Wonderland where Alice found the "impossible" task set before her of slaying the Jabberwalkee. How many men in the armed forces have gone in thinking themselves weak only to prove to themselves their strength for their country and families. The same goes for us when we face trials. Sometimes God sends us trials so that we may take a "spiritual inventory" as it were, to see how we have grown in Christ, and to reveal the strength of our faith.

Until the very moment I told my fiance I couldn't marry him I did not think I had the strength to do so. I looked into his tear filled eyes and thought "I cant tell him, I just can't. I can't hurt him like this." But I had faith that God would see me through this situation and I had faith in His perfect plan. It was only by this faith and His strength that I was able to say goodbye. This trial has helped me realize the strength of my faith and my love for God, I only hope that with enough practice I can confidently say that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

2. To humble us 2 Corinthians 12:7 "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me." This one is a hard one to swallow but I think it goes hand in hand with the first purpose. Not only do you find out your strengths when you go through trials but you also find out your weaknesses. From this trial I know that I am far from being where I need to be with Christ. I see more clearly now my shortcomings and feel more certainly the chinks in my armour.

3. To wean us away from worldly things Can you think of a better way to wean a child of God off of the things of this world than by trials? When trials come and we try desperately to cling to the things of this world we can only be dissapointed in them. We find out that nothing in this world works at lessening our despair or curing our discomfort. We are like a child who crys heartily for a toy but when we are hurt we learn all to quickly that the toy cannot comfort us and instead we reach for our Father.

4. Call us to an eternal hope, makes you want to go to heaven. Again, God shows His eternal wisdom and understanding of the human heart. If we find ourselves in a place that brings us nothing but pain and persecutuion why would we want to stay in that place? Trials bring about a new disinterest in the passing world. For those who are in pain they can look forward to a place with no pain. For those who have lost someone dear to the they can look forward to seeing them again in heaven. As you get older and closer to Christ, more and more things are being stored up for you and the more and more people will be waiting to see you again in heaven. "For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. Romans 8:22 -23

5. Reveal what we really love. This one kinda hits me right in the gut. I mean how often do we say that we love God above all things and then live our lives with ourselves first or our spouse or our children. If you claim that you love God first and foremost in your life you better be ready to prove it. Like Abraham was tested to see if he loved his son Isaac more than he loved God, so will you be tested. I remember telling my fiance that God would always be first in my life. I told him that but I wasn't really sure I believed it myself. When God asked me to choose I struggled harder than I ever have with a decision in my life. God knew who I loved more but now He wanted me to find out who I loved more. I once told my youth group that God is a jealous God and that if there is something in your life that you love more than Him He will remove it. He has to be first and I have found that trials are most often in the form of letting go of something you hold very dear or God taking away something very dear. Deuteronomy 13:3 "you shall not listen to the words of that prophet or that dreamer of dreams; for the LORD your God is testing you to find out if you love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul." Luke 14:26 "If anyone comes to Me, and does not [a]hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple." If you do not love God to the degree that you are willing, if necessary, to obey God despite the opinion or petitions of your mother, father, spouse, children, and your own feelings then you do not love God supremely and are not worthy to be the disciple of God. Ouch!

To be continued...

Hot Air

When I was young and still living in Tehachapi one of the things I remember was the hot air balloons that used to fill the sky once a year. It was so beautiful to see the huge flying contraptions lifting and setting down like feathers caught in the slight morning breeze. I used to watch them longingly from my bedroom window as they floated above the lakes and hills, houses and trees.

However, after last year my dreams of flying were laid to rest. I became scared of heights for fear that I would jump. If I were placed on anything but the 1st floor of a hotel I squeezed myself against the wall as I rushed to the elevator. I refused to open the window and felt my heart in my throat everytime I stepped out.

So back in April when my boyfriend got me up at an unholy hour and suprised me with a hotairballoon ride, I was more than a little nervous and even a little thankful when it was called off due to wind.

I thought I was off the hook until my boyfriend now my fiance told me that the hot airballoon company called him up and rescheduled the flight. Again my fears came back, resurrected with the hot air balloon ride.

After awhile my fiance and I broke up but because he had already paid for it and because neither of us had any hard feelings for eachother we decided to meet again for the scheduled ride. Well, Saturday June 26th came and again I found myself awake before the sun. I tried to be in bed by 8:30pm and I was but ended up laying there untired and most awake until 11:30pm. 4:00am came way too early but suprisingly I wasn't all that tired.

We drove an hour to Tracy and were 10 minutes late but they waited for us and we finally arrived. We got out of the car, met the two other people we would be flying with, an elderly couple whos daughters had given them the flight as a Father's day gift.


As they turned the gondola(the basket part of the balloon) and used a big fan to fill the baloon with air my nervousness started again. Would I be ok? Would I be able to be at such heights and not have the thoughts of self-harm. What was worse is that they made us sign a waiver that warned that such a flight was "perilous" and "could result in death". The waiver released them from any liability.

The balloon filled and fire spouted from nozzel. After saying a short prayer I got in into the gondolla and we took our positions. The captain told us to hold on tight and then he fired the torch for some long moments. The closeness of the flame I felt upon my head and it smelled as if I were blowdrying my hair. We lifted off the ground and though it was as smooth as silk my stomache turned.

As we rose higher and higher I grabbed tight to the ropes and looked down. I prayed and wrapped my other arm around Rossam's. The flight was wonderful and I had lots of fun. The best parts were the landings in which the captain would shout "hold tight" and the balloon would touch down giving us a little jolt only to rise up again and skip across the ground like a stone skipping across the water.

The Captain radio his ground crew to come pick us up in a field and low and behold the truck they were using got stuck in the mud on a small dirt road a few hundred feet from where we landed. I thought it quit hilarious but kept my giggles to myself.

While waiting for the captain to return from his ranch, which was a couple miles down the road, to get his other truck, the crew worked hurriedly to get the balloon in its carrying case. They then recruited Rossam to help them carry the gondola to the nearby road. He aggreed and the four of the carried the huge basket through the field... only to have Rossam fall into a ditch. lol


Once the other truck arrived and we made it back to the airport the captain poured us a small glass of champagne, pinned a balloon pin onto our shirts, and handed us a flight completed certificate. It was a great time and a wonderful experience thanks to a little prayer, a little healing, and a great God.

Japan

Almost since I can remember I have had a dream and a passion to go to Japan and preach God’s word its people. A dream because I have fallen in love with the culture, the language and the people and a passion because of the call I have received from Jesus Christ. I truly believe God has tailored my life to the missions’ field in Japan and here are a couple reasons why:

Japan has one of the highest if not the highest suicide rate in the world. The people have no hope and nothing to live for when all external comforts are lost. Back in 2004 I was diagnosed with chronic depression and an anxiety disorder. My brain doesn’t produce enough seritonin, or the “happy” chemical on its own and so I was prescribed medicine that I would have to take everyday to substitute for the shortage. Since then I have gone through 2 other serious cases of depression. The last one was in April of 2009 when my mom and step dad left to go to the Ukraine to do missions work and one of my best friends told me that he loved me, but he wasn’t a Christian so I had to tell him I couldn’t love him back and he left.

I felt all alone. To me it felt like everything had been lost. It was then that I started having thoughts like, “I wonder if anyone would notice if I was gone?” and “I’m so alone. I don’t want to be here anymore.” Things got worse and worse and eventually I couldn’t guarantee that I could keep myself safe. I soon found myself in a hospital for the suicidal and the mentally disturbed. I went in under a 72 hour watch. The whole time I was there I kept thinking that I didn’t belong and I would sit on my bed crying out to God asking why, if I was his child, was I going through this. Why hadn’t He cured me long ago and even now because I knew and I believed it was in His power to do so. It was then that my mind flashed back to that March day when I had just been accepted by JEMS to go on a mission trip to Japan. That day I had gotten on my knees before the Lord and asked that God give me a message to take to the people of Japan, a message that was powerful and that they desperately needed to hear. A message that was my own and that would reach their hearts. It was then that the lightbulb clicked on in my brain and God showed me that this, this was the message that He wanted me to bring to the people of Japan. He was grieved at the situation in Japan and He wanted to tell them that there is indeed hope when all things seem lost. There is someone to turn to when all others have left you and that he yearns to comfort your fears and your anxieties, he longs to mend your broken hearts.

There in that hospital, a peace filled my heart and mind. I knew it would be difficult, I knew I would struggle but I knew that God, my Father, would be there through it all. I left that hospital with a purpose. With the help of God, my friends and my church family I made it through to stand before you today. I won’t tell you that I don’t struggle anymore or that sometimes Satan’s thoughts don’t creep back into my mind but through His blood and with His power I am saved.

I am now finally planning to go on my first mission trip to Japan for 2 weeks late this year or early next. Please be in prayer for my health, both physical and mental. I know that God is going to do great things!

Down The Rabbit Hole

A friend of mine threw an Alice in Wonderland Tea Party yesterday. It was alot of fun and I will post more on it later but first I wanted to post on the actual movie itself.

The movie itself only ranks a 6 on my movie scale having little to no plot to raise its ratings. It starts with a young Alice interupting her father's business meeting due to a nightmare. She continually has nightmares about falling down a huge hole, seeing a white rabbit, meeting strange creatures, and talking to a blue catapiller. The father listens attentively and then comforts her in very cute display of their loving and understanding father/daughter relationship.

I often find my mind wandering during such scenes, not out of boredom or lack of interest mind you. My mind wanders during these kinds of scenes because of the rarety of finding them in real life. In my mind there is almost nothing in the world as important or as special as a bond between father and daughter. It is from the dad that a girl recieves her strength and the picture of what she wants from a future husband. Yet these bonds grow looser and looser each generation and rarer and rarer to find. So my mind wanders to girls I know or even myself to some degree who would love to have what is playing on the screen infront of me.

After this we see Alice, now 19 years old, driving in a coach with her mother to a party that she apparently doesn't want to go to. The mother scorns her for not wearing a corsett or stockings and we find out that her father has since died and is very much missed by Alice.



Alice eventually ends up going down the rabbit hole and finds herself once again in Wonderland. There she finds the White Rabbit, the Doormouse and Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum awaiting her. They take her to Absolum (the Blue Catapiller) to ask him if she is indeed the "real Alice". They need the Alice who came to their world before because it was predicted in their calander that she would return once again to slay The Jabberwalkee and free the inhabitants from the Red Queen's tyranicle reign. When asked if she is the "real Alice" Absolum answers "Not hardly" and then vanishes.

To make a long story short Alice goes through many trials in order to rescue the Mad Hatter from the Red Queen, which she fails, and then make her way to the White Queen's castle. Once there she is again told that she must fight The Jabberwocky with the legendary Vorpal Sword which she retrieved from the Red Queen's castle.


Alice again meets Absolum who tells her that she is indeed the "real Alice" and that when asked about him denying she was the real Alice in the beginning he says, "I never said you were not Alice, I said you were harldy Alice. But you're much more Alice now."

Alice decides to be the White Queen's "Champion" and fight the Jabberwocky. She puts on the armour, takes up the Vorpal sword and goes to the battlefield. On the battlefield the Red Queen calls forth her champion, the Jabberwocky, and the White Queen calls forth hers, Alice.

Jabberwocky: So my old foe, we meet on the battlefield once again.
Alice Kingsley: We have never met.
Jabberwocky: Not you, insignificant bearer. My ancient enemy, the Vorpal one.

In the end Alice slays the Jabberwocky and returns to her own world where she finally stands up for herself and begins to make her own way in life.

Like I said, I only like this movie about a 6 but when I saw it for the second time a couple things stood out. 1. Alice tries the whole movie to live up to her name. She tries to live up to the name of Alice and prove that she is the real Alice. We as Christians do the same thing. As Christians we go through our whole lives trying to live up to a name as well. That name is Jesus Christ. As we start out we start as Alice did "not hardly" being like Christ. Then as time goes on and we go through trials, we gain back our "muchness" and grow closer to becoming like the one whose name we bare.

2. We also have a dragon to slay, or a job that only we can perform. When God made you he made you perfectly for the task he has assigned to you. No one else can do your job, you are God's champion. We all need to suit up in the Armour of God and slay the dragons in our own spiritual war. Like how only Alice could kill the Jabberwocky, there are dragons in your life that only you can slay.

3. The Vorpal Sword. In the movie the White Queen tells Alice that the Vorpal Sword knows what it wants to do and she need only to hold on to it. When I saw this I was reminded of the sword that we as Christians carry. The Word of God is our sword. The quote from the Jabberwocky is much like how I picture Satan talking to us when we go up to face him. The only difference is that he cannot call us insignificant ones. He might try, just to make us feel less worthy and to discourage us but in reality we are wholely and completely significant as the bearers of God's Word and just like the White Queen told Alice, we must simply hold fast to the Word of God and He will handle the rest.

What is that smell?!

I think it was Friday that I started noticing something different about my car. All I know is that on Thursday when I got in my car to drive to and from work everything was fine. The engine purred to life, the radio greeted me with the sounds of Glee and the air was breathable. I don't know how it changed but on Friday when I got into my car I was met with this awful, and I do mean awful smell. It smelt like used and rotting menstrual pads (sorry to any boys out there). So, I did what anyone would do in such a situation, I ignored it. I was doing a pretty good job of it too until Rossam said something about the smell. It was then when I knew it wasn't just me who was smelling something, that the smell seemed more real and ever present than it had previously. It was then that I was decided that the smell must be gotten rid of. Without a thought the half empty Starbucks cups were immediately thrown out and quite pleased with myself for solving the problem I went inside my house for a relaxing evening.

The next day I jumped into my car ready to start the day, took a deep breath and nearly gagged. The smell was still there and more pungent than ever. At first we thought it was coming from my vents, because even turning on the air conditioner didn't help and it was suggested that maybe something had died in my filter. If that was the case then I figured nothing could be done and I would just have to wait and take my car into the shop, but I didn't really think that was the real reason behind the stench. On Monday, during my morning and lunch breaks, I lay in my car trying to fall asleep. All the while I was laying there losing braincells to the nauseous fumes. That was it, I could handle the car rides to and from work but nothing and nobody messes with my nap times! It was then I had a flashback, I vaguely remembered some of my friends holding up one of my microwavable lunches a few weeks ago and commenting on how gross it was that it was still in my car. AH HA! The car-wide search was launched for the offending lunch item, but nothing turned up and the search had to be called off due to time constraints.

Today I was again laying in my car at lunch dreaming of a giant bottle of Fabreeze and a gas mask when the same flashback came to mind again. I just knew that had to be what was stinking. So where was it? It wasn't in the trunk and it wasn't in the back or front seats or floor. Just to be sure the back seat floor was checked again. Oranges, nope. Shoes, nope. Trash, nope. I pulled the passenger seat forward and felt around under it, nothing. I looked on the side of mine, dirty sock, smelled but nope not it either. Then, just as I was about to give up again I saw it. Nestled under my seat and hidden by the smelly sock was the microwavable lunch! I scooted my seat forward, grabbed the lunch, put it to my nose and took a big whiff. "Bingo!" I gagged between giggles. Finally, the lunch was thrown away. I tried to open it and get a picture for you but my nose and stomach wouldn't let me get passed opening the cardboard box it came in. So yay! No more smell and no more microwavable lunches for awhile lol

Always Read the Map

It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon and yet despite the beauty of the day and place in which we found ourselves my fiance and I sat at the table solemnly. I sat lazily sipping at my tea and nibbled at the food that was placed before me. He, on the other hand, hurriedly gulped down his tea hoping that the creamy substance would ease the headache that was making it hard to enjoy the experience to it's fullest. We had come to our favorite tea house for a full afternoon tea. All you can drink tea served with a salad scones, sandwiches, and desert.

During our tea, I remembered that we had discussed going to the lake that was near my parents house. We had gone for the first time the week before to relax before the start of another busy work week in the city. We had walked around a small part of the lake looking for the perfect spot to sit with our borrowed lawn chairs. It was a very relaxing and enjoyable time, later that week Rossam, my fiance, came up with the idea of walking all the way around the lake. I chimed in readily that it sounded like a good idea. The lake didn't look like a big one and besides my mom had told me on a couple occasions that, when she and my step-dad went, she had walked around the lake with my dog Duo as Roy fished.

As our tea time slowly came to an end I suggested that today would be a great time to go for that leisurely walk around the lake. I needed the exercise and hopefully the fresh air would help ease Rossam's headache.

Excited now we quickly gulped down the last few drops of tea in our cups, paid and rushed to my parent's house. We got there just in time to meet them as they were right at that momment getting home from performing some duties at the church. I told them that we were stealing the dog for a couple hours so we could take him on a walk around the lake. Mom looked shocked, "You're walking around the whole lake?" I nodded cheerfully, "Yep."

"It doesn't get dark until around 8:00, they should have enough time." Roy, my step-dad, chimed in.

With that we said our goodbyes and left for the lake. Arriving at the lake around 4:45pm we parked, grabbed a couple of waters, put the dog on his leash and headed out for our walk. It was beautiful!

Duo was very eager to start the walk. He tugged anxiously at the leash urging us to go faster. Right before the trail started was a sign with information about the lake and the trail we would be taking but Duo and Rossam ran past it. Rossam had set a goal for us, that we would finish the walk in two hours or less and I was too busy trying to catch up to them to stop and look at the map. The first part of the trail was a little painful as there were some hills and my body, namely my legs and ankles, rebelled against me. But Rossam reassured me that the pain would subside as we went on (so male). We even stopped to stretch a little along the way. About an hour in I started having doubts abouts the actual size of the lake and the distance that we would be traveling. However, Duo ran on happily and Rossam confidently told me over and over that we were surely about half way across already. 30 min later I again voiced my concerns about the apparent lack of progress that we were making. What was even more disconcerting was the fact that the small oval lake we had seen from the road was actually snake shaped and we had only seen the tiny head of the serpent. (It was the devil's lake)

After about 2 hours of hiking we finally made it to the end of the serpents tail. We were out of water and I was dying! To make matters worse the sun was starting to go down and I was beginning to get more than a little worried that we would still be walking this trail well into the darkness. More than a couple times the thought of finding the road or going to the nearest campsite and asking for a ride crossed my mind, but we just kept walking forward. By the third hour of hiking new aches and pains started to replace the old ones. These ones were more intense and widespread than the others had been. As we went through the campsites I greedily eyed the soft cushy chairs, the automobiles, tents, and bottles of water that sat out in the open taunting me. Finally, not caring if I got poisoned or not, I refilled my water at one of the water spickets at the campsite used for washing dishes and brushing your teeth.

It was then that I was about to collapse and give up on living that Rossam suggested that we play a game. He would give me five minutes to get ahead of him and jog for as long as possible and he would then try to catch up to me. He wanted to see how fast I could go and wanted to see how long it would take him to catch up to me. I looked at him with unbelieving eyes. "Are you serious?" I asked. He was. So I went, jogged a little then stopped before jogging a little more. It was there gasping between breaths that I cursed his and my dog's boundless energy and optimism.

Needless to say he caught up to me pretty quickly and I was all too happy that he did and the "game" was over. 4 hours later I got a little hope when I recognized the area in which we found ourselves. We had reached the point where we could see the car, a mere silver speck in the distance, but we had been in this area before when we had come to the lake the first time. What was great was that my phone got reception out in the middle of nowhere so I called my mom. I let her know that we were ok and that we would hopefully be there soon... and to have dinner ready for us lol Finally after 4.5 hours of hiking and in near darkness we reached the car.

So that was my adventure. I am still sore. We found out later that the distance around the lake is 10 miles of hills, rocks, mud and bugs. Despite all this we do have plans to tackle the Devil's lake again.

PS only later did I find out that the lake that mom walked all the way around was actually a small pondish lake that was also near their house and not this one hence the suprise when I told her we were going to walk around the whole lake.