Do you ever notice how people who feel the most alone or that when you feel the most alone that instead of seeking human companionship and grabbing gleefully at the oppertunity when people are present that you instead slink further out of their reach? I came here to my mother's house to find companionship and to escape loniliness. My sister and her husband have come over and instead of going down to join them I find myself upstairs typing this blog. "Melissa," you say, "go down and join them, be with them. If you are lonely it is your fault for secluding yourself from them." I would have to agree with you. The loneliness I feel is most likely prolonged by my own doing, but have you ever found that sitting amidst people who are laughing and talking when you feel like neither of those makes you feel even more alone than when you are by yourself? When the happiness of others so sharply contrasts your feelings that they make your sadness even more evident. That is how I feel tonight.
I have always struggled with loneliness, well ever since I can remember, except for one time in my life, when I felt that I finally always had someone to call or talk to and who I could see whenever I wanted and he would be happy to see me. I let my fiance filled that gap for me and I never realized how much I had come to rely on his presence until now, when it is gone.
When I was in my seat at the movie theater with none of my friends next to me I realized the pain had returned sharp and new and I cried out in my mind and in my heart, "I miss Rossam! If he were here I would not be alone!" Tears came to my eyes and my breath caught in my throat. I missed his arms around me and the feel of him by my side.
It was only after I left my seat to cry in the bathroom did I finally cry out to God and did my strength return to me. Tonight God showed me that it was Him that I should've cried out to first! It was tonight He told me that He wants to be the one that my heart thinks of when I'm feeling this way and He wants to fill the gap that has been left in my life. During my engagement I had become too dependant on my fiance, I had come to accept him as my cure for the loneliness that I felt. I had grabbed onto something of this earth and believed it would save me. But God being the gracious and loving Father that He is saw that I had latched onto this man in my desperation for fullness. So God gently pried my fingers away, all the while whispering in my ear, "Let go my child, it is only I who can satisfy you, who can heal you, who will save you. Hold on to me, my child. I will never leave you nor forsake you."
I sat here trying to motivate myself and to "consider it pure joy" that another trial lay before me. I sat here thinking of this trial that I must face and longing for the day when I have come through it, wondering what God has planned for me that He so wants me to learn this lesson. God, He is so good, and he knows my heart. He showed me Japan and the mission field that I want to go in and He whispered to me, "Do you think you will not be alone if you stand for me? Do you not know that the mission field is a lonely place?" Praise God that He loves us, that He knows everything we will face in our futures, and that He loves us enough to prepare us for the work He has planned for us.
I honestly do not know what the future holds for me, whether or not Japan is what God has willed for me. But I do know that when I go, wherever I go I will have learned to cling to God. I will have learned to cry out to Him first and to walk with Him as my companion.
Footprints
One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
...Mary Stevenson
I also wanted to thank my friend Nicole who when I was sitting alone in the movie theater recognized something was wrong and gave me her seat next to another friend of mine and she sat alone. Also to all my other friends and church family that are doing their best to help me through this tough time I just want to say thank you with all my heart. I love you guys and you are truly a blessing from God!
